Morning Smile

[PHC1]

Originally Posted by cleeds

Please share! What does it say?

Where it starts to break down: “I feelski good, I feel a bit strange and I think I pulled out donkey ears. This post was stolen from a friend in a fire department.”

[James Tanner - Bryston]

How children perceive their Grandparents


1.. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye.

2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, "80". My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice,
"Who was THAT?"

4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking all this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and replied, "No, how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.

6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story.
"What's it about?", he asked.
"I don't know", she replied. "I can't read."

7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colours yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what colour it was. She would tell me and was always correct.. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these colours yourself!"

8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to avoid attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure.""Look in your underwear, Grandpa", he advised .. .. "Mine says I'm 4 to 6."

10.. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting." she said . . . "How do you make babies?"
"It's simple", replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant", said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder, pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?", she asked.
"Sure", replied the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."

12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back", said one child.
"No", said another. "He's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close. "You're both wrong . . . They use the dogs", she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."

14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!

15. My Grandparents are funny. When they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog.

[James Tanner - Bryston]

This is a sad story of the depression that can haunt a man.

Marcel was sick and tired of the world; of Covid 19, Brexit, Russian belligerence, global warming, racial tensions, and the rest of the disturbing stories that occupy media headlines.

Marcel drove his car into his garage and then sealed every doorway and window as best he could. He got back into his car and wound down all the windows, selected his favorite radio station and started the car.

Four days later, a worried neighbor peered through his garage window and saw him in the car. She notified the emergency services and they broke in, pulling Marcel from the car.

A little sip of water and, surprisingly, he was in perfect condition, but his Tesla had a dead battery.

[crwilli]

Hahahahahaha!

[James Tanner - Bryston]

There I was, sitting by myself at the bar staring at my untouched drink. Suddenly, a 6' 8" tattooed biker steps up next to me and grabs my drink. He then grins at me and gulps down my drink in one swig. "Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"This is the worst day of my life," I say to him. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener, and then my dog bit me.
So, I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve. Then you, you overgrown horse's ass, show up and drink the whole thing!
But enough about me. How's your day going?”

[Masterlu]

^^^

[James Tanner - Bryston]

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers.

One evening, they chatted after having dinner together.

They discussed the 95th birthday gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who moved to Florida .

The first said, "You know I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, "And I had a large theater built in the house."

The third said, "And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot who could recite the entire Bible. It took ten preachers almost 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed.



After the celebration Mama sent out her "Thank You" notes.

She wrote:

Milton, the house you built is so huge that I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

Michael, you gave me an expensive theatre with Dolby sound and it can hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing, and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious Thank you so much."

Love, Mama

[PHC1]

[Masterlu]

[bart]

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