official response to Somali Pirates

[2112]

After maintaining his silence for two days, President Obama will soon make his first public statement about the pirate attack upon an U.S.-flagged vessel off the Horn of Africa. After several inquiries and a few well-placed bribes, Exurban League has received an early transcript of the President's remarks:

Good evening. As you know, early yesterday, Somali-based pirates attacked the Maersk Alabama, a freighter carrying relief supplies to Kenya. While we do not yet know all the details, the Alabama's crew re-took control of the vessel and forced the pirates off the ship.

Since the pirates are still holding the captain, I have sent FBI negotiators to facilitate his safe and speedy release. I assure his friends and family that I will not stop until this man-made disaster is resolved in a peaceful, tolerant and ecologically-sound manner.

Obviously, this incident has raised many concerns among Americans. There have been calls for justice and even violence against the misguided perpetrators. But such an emotional reaction has led to the disparagement of entire groups with which we are unfamiliar. We have seen this throughout history.

For too long, America has been too dismissive of the proud culture and invaluable contributions of the Pirate Community. Whether it is their pioneering work with prosthetics, husbandry of tropical birds or fanciful fashion sense, America owes a deep debt to Pirates.

The past eight years have shown a failure to appreciate the historic role of these noble seafarers. Instead of celebrating their entrepreneurial spirit and seeking to partner with them to meet common challenges, there have been times where America has shown arrogance and been dismissive, even derisive.

Some of us wonder if our current Overseas Contingency Operation would even be needed had the last administration not been so quick to label Pirates as "thieves," "terrorists" and worse. Such swashbucklaphobia can lead to tragic results, as we have seen this week.

To address this issue, I have instructed Vice President Joe Biden to create a cabinet-level Czar of Pirate Outreach and Buccaneer Interrelation. In addition, June 1-7 has been designated as Pirate Awareness Week, during which all federal buildings will fly the Jolly Roger and sponsor sensitivity training. Thankfully, my American Recovery and Reinvestment Act will fund free grog and hard tack for all attendees.

Finally, to all pirates listening to international broadcasts, shortwave services and ship-to-shore radio, let me say this:

Ahoy, me regret arr relationship has set sail in a scurvy manner. Arr people share many mutual 'alues and concerns on t' raging main. Perchance, could ye handsomely release the cap'n o' the ship and I assure that no harm will come t' ye or ye hearties. Let us smite t' reset button and launch our seabond on a new pegleg. Savvy? Godspeed t' ye and t' ye beauties. Aye, me parrot concurs.

[-E-]

You should put that on TheOnion

[klipschfan]

Classic

[Still-One]

I might be the Lone Ranger here but I would hope we keep politics out of here.

[MC352]

Actually, your right, that is probably a good idea.

Discussions on politics and religion can quickly turn ugly.

I deleted my earlier post

[80B]

Originally Posted by Stillone

I might be the Lone Ranger here but I would hope we keep politics out of here.

+1. I was still laughing my a** off!

[Masterlu]

Originally Posted by Stillone

I might be the Lone Ranger here but I would hope we keep politics out of here.

YES please, our new found freedoms need to be restrained. I rely on everyone's best judgement when posting. That being said, it was funny.

[1KW]

I acted as moderator and deleted my own post

[f1 fan]

I have learned that Religion and Politics are best left alone and not discussed. It can and will get out of hand.

[80B]

Looks like we're all figuring out how to keep things balanced, which is a good thing. There's going to be some growing pains along the way. I think we saw elsewhere one extreme that evolved from some fairly reasonable practices in a much larger forum. AA will evolve, and as long as we keep it candid but well-intentioned, this place will only go from strength to strength. I hope that's not too OT!